More Than a Feeling?

I am grateful to my colleague, Margaret Ward-Martin, for writing this blog

“Nobody, ever, has the right to dismiss, minimise or contradict your experience. ”

Maybe not.

Let me explain.

As a mental health professional, I have become increasingly aware of a tendency to

“pathologise” normal, appropriate, protective, and effective, emotional responses. I have

experienced this in professional and personal conversations as well as in social and

mainstream media. This article does not claim to be a substitute for qualified, medical

diagnosis and advice,* it simply serves to facilitate a conversation about what is “normal.”

Uncomfortable or distressing feelings and emotional responses inform us about how to

protect, care and pay attention to ourselves and can include physical, visceral responses – for example, feeling nauseous, needing the loo, stomach and headache as well as a sense of

something not feeling “right” or something being “off”. You don’t need to overthink or

dismiss it – just acknowledge the feeling and validate your response. In the moment you

might not know why you feel what you feel – that’s ok – it’s how you feel.

I have experience of individuals describing their “poor” mental health when what they are

sharing with me are normal reactions to difficult or distressing situations. One example might

be following a break-up – they may be sad, feel rejected, low for a while and wary of getting

into a new relationship. This, in and of itself, is not a critical mental health issue. This is a

natural way to process loss – of confidence, the person, time and even hope and dreams.

What it is not, is something needing neutralising with medication or over analysis. When

there is a death, divorce, redundancy, and exams looming, we feel different. Life hurts

sometimes and it is a heavy, human burden. What it is not, is poor mental health.

Uncomfortable emotions are not our enemy.

We cannot airbrush our pain – we need to learn to live with it. Part of the problem of the

world in which we live is that we are often left second guessing what is real and what is fake.

We might then apply this to ourselves and conclude that we are wrong to feel how we feel.

The additional stressor of toxic positivity does not help. Bin it – at source. Nobody, ever, has

the right to dismiss, minimise or contradict your experience. It is your responsibility to

honour your feelings and remove yourself from toxic, invalidating, unsafe and damaging

people – individuals and communities, real world and online.

And give yourself time to feel as you feel, without judgement. Sooner or later the cloud will

lift, hope will return, and anxiety feel less like a dagger in your stomach. If these feelings are

prolonged – it may be helpful to see your GP or arrange therapy. Learn to appreciate ALL of

you. Happier feelings are no “better” or “worse” than difficult feelings. Emotions are not neat

or binary. All feelings inform us and are to be appreciated equally. Listen to them and learn

who you are. Seek out good people and ensure you cultivate a zero-tolerance policy for

disrespect of any kind from anyone.

Very sadly, humans can be cruel. They can hurt. Sometimes, individuals project their own

failings into others. Acknowledging this fundamental possibility need not make us cynical

and it can help us to look after ourselves better. Fortunately, there are good, kind people and

they can play a part in healing and growth. Be discerning in who you let into your life, what

you share and make sure to set boundaries in all relationships. Take your time and pay

attention. Loving relationships are a marathon, not a sprint.

Above all, learn to love, appreciate, advocate for, and treat respectfully – the person you are.

*This does not apply to feelings of self-harm, suicidal ideation, or suicidal thoughts. In this

case, please discuss your health with your GP, call 999 or access The Samaritans helpline